10.29.20 EDU_Swimming Against the Current Reality

“I would have never admitted this...”

October 29, 2020

One evening, while sitting on velvet lounge chairs at a venue my friend and I were far too young to be patroning, in a fit of uncharacteristic (read: alcohol-infused) inspiration, I shared my dream in full for the first time.I had little idea what I was going to say before I started, but, taking a sip of my overpriced bourbon, I just let it rip. And what followed was like an out-of-body experience: a narrative flowed out of me, so rich with details of my deepest desires that, under daylight, I never would have admitted I wanted for my twenty-two-year-old self.Speaking it aloud, suddenly, the dream didn’t feel as ridiculous or intangible as it did in my head. I let myself speak it all out, not slowing down for the sake of humility, and felt my heart relax as tears welled up. In painting my future, encased in that velvet lounge, I moved myself.But then, on returning to the present, I was instantly reminded of why I had not let myself (ever!) fully express my desires: all of the reasons why I could not live that dream crept into my head in a sort of masochistic retaliation. It sounded like this...

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